Dear Sarah,

A few posts ago I mentioned that I have felt impressed to address some of the posts to specific people. Today's post is to a real person, albeit someone who is now living in the spirit world - she is still very real to me. As most of you know, Troy and I waited a long time before children came to our family. We had originally wanted to have 8 children, but that was not in the plans. Lizzy was born just before our 9th anniversary. We had to do in vitro fertilization to get her here and then Ben came all on his own out of nowhere (he is still coming out of nowhere on a daily basis! Love that boy!)

This last August, we tried in vitro again. We had four remaining embryos to use after trying for Lizzy. These embryos were our responsibility and we didn't feel right about turning them over to science or donating them to someone else. After all of the hormones, appointments and money, we finally went through with the procedure. Three embryos were implanted (one did not survive the thawing process) but I did not become pregnant. My body thought it was pregnant because of the drugs and so I had to go through a natural process of balancing my hormones out again and getting back to normal. For those who have never tried this, it just sounds like we didn't get pregnant, oh well, just keep trying right? Wrong. It's not that way with in vitro - I felt as if I had miscarried 3 babies. I have no idea when the spirit enters the body, but I am still grieving the loss of those little lives. I am not sad as much about not getting pregnant, I'm more sad at the loss of those three little ones - they were very much alive to us and already felt like a part of our family. We had prayed about them, fasted for them and spent so much time and energy in their behalf - of course we would feel great sorrow at their loss. We will not be trying in vitro again as it is very expensive and I'm getting "old" according to fertility docs. Ben did come naturally but it took 11 years of trying the "normal" way for that to happen and so I cannot let my hopes get too high that it will happen again.

(By the way...this is why I have started selling Mary Kay - to pay the astronomical doctor's bills for the procedure. It has been extra tough emotionally to pay for this because it didn't work. However, I never thought I would say this about selling anything...what a blessing. Those of you who have supported me in this endeavor have no idea how you have been an answer to many, many prayers. I don't necessarily like selling things - trust me! The Lord provided the money for our last in vitro bill but this time He has wanted me to work for it, which has actually ended up being a blessing as I have had to step outside of my comfort zone, develop new talents and concentrate on helping other women feel good about themselves. I almost have the bill paid off - anyone want to buy a lipstick?!)

I have not wanted to share this info with many people because it is a very private matter and it hurts, to be completely honest. When someone doesn't understand how badly it hurts they tend to make comments that just make it worse (I know the comments are made innocently and so I am never angry at the person but my heart aches just a little more than it did.) I also don't know how to verbaly relay that I have complete faith in the Lord's plan, but I still feel pain. I usually come off sounding like I don't feel sadness at all and then people think I don't care and then they don't care - at least that is how I feel. So, I just keep my mouth shut and don't say a word.

But here I am making a public announcement on our blog for the whole world to read. I have not been able to stop thinking about the need to let this be known. Since August, the Lord has put in my path so many women who are dealing with infertility, whether it be initial infertility or secondary infertility - it still hurts and it is still a very lonely problem. I wish I could get each of these women together in a room and we could all sit there and realize that we are not alone. I think each of these women would be amazed at how many women around them are struggling with the same issue. Since that probably isn't the best idea for many reasons, I am hoping each of those ladies will read this and know they are not alone. I know many couples have tried in vitro several times and have not even had the success we have had. I know some women only have to wait for 6 months and others their whole lives. I know some women have miscarriage after miscarriage and some find themselves needing to adopt in order to have children. The Lord has taught me over the years to never discount the pain of others just because you think it is not as hard as it could have been. Everyone's pain is painful because we do not know all of the dynamics involved and so we can never compare one person's pain to another.

This is long - my letter will need to be short but I will write more later. This letter is for any woman out there who feels alone and forgotten because of her inability to have children.



Dear Sarah,
Several years ago I got to know you as I was waiting for children to come to my home. I read about you in the bible. I read about the others who waited too - Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah and Elisabeth. You seemed like a group of sisters to me. Sisters in suffering. Sisters in faith and righteousness. The Lord pointed each of you out to me and told me to learn from you. He pointed out how valuable you were to Him in the building up of His kingdom and that the amount of children a woman has doesn't make her of any more worth than another. In fact, He taught me that if I never had a child in this life, I would still be able to perform an amazing work on this earth. I just want you to know how grateful I am for your willingness to trust the Lord, especially when you thought your chance was long gone. Because of your example, I have also tried to place my trust in Him and let Him be in control. He sees what I do not see. He knows what I do not know. He has a plan for my little family and I know it will be greater than any plan I could devise on my own.
Love,
Lisa