I Will Stand Still For You

So last night I was reading the scriptures and into my mind came this entire post. I couldn't go to bed until it was finished. It is a post that I put on my other blog.  But, once again, I feel a need to put on this blog as well. Some of the most popular posts on that blog are about the struggle with infertility. This post deals with that issue but the lessons I share here can be applied to any mountain we find ourselves climbing. I hope it can help someone. 

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Like most teenage girls who are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I attended a yearly girl's camp each summer. I grew up in northern Utah which meant that our big yearly hike was truly big. My favorite peak to hike was Ben Lomand peak near Ogden, UT. I love mountains and this mountain is no exception. As I think about the several times I have hiked Ben Lomand, I feel as if she wrapped me in her arms each summer and taught me some very profound life lessons.

 There she is off there in the distance with some snow on the peak. Yup, I've stood on the top of that mountain and a million posts could come from my experiences along those dusty trails. This one is for those of you dealing with infertility. Yes, Ben Lomand has some lessons on that as well. I'm just going to continue what I wrote in my last post "How I Survived The Waiting Years" by starting off with this experience...

It was my last year at girl's camp. We were on the long descent down from the peak. The mountain is so steep in some parts and so dense in foliage that those who forged the trail many, many years ago, created switch backs to make it more hiker friendly. So, instead of going straight up the mountain, you kind of zig zag your way up, or down as I was doing at the moment of the memory.

Sometimes switch backs can be very tedious and the temptation to just forge your own trail straight up the mountain between the switchbacks is very strong. On this particular day, a group of our girls wanted to get down the mountain faster than normal, so they just started going straight down. You know where this is going...they got lost and almost fell off an unseen cliff.

But I didn't know any of that when I saw them. I was just walking along the trail talking to some other hikers when I heard a bunch of girls yelling my name. I looked down and saw this group of girls. They were frantically waving their arms. It was difficult to figure out what they were yelling because they were so far away but I finally deciphered that they couldn't find the trail and they needed help.

I was confused because what they couldn't see was that the trail was maybe 20 footsteps away. I could see it clearly. But they had been lost and disoriented and had no idea where they were. I did my best to point out that if they just kept walking up the mountain from where they stood, they would find the trail within seconds. I started to walk on to get closer to them but they yelled "Stop!" Somehow I got the message that they wanted me to just stand still and not move until they made it to where I was. Little did they know they would find a trail long before they made it up to where I was. But I did as they asked. I stood still, until they found the trail where they sat down and cried - tears of exhaustion and gratitude.

They had been so lost and so afraid that they couldn't see things clearly.

Can you see the gazillion lessons to be learned from this experience? I could start off several different topics with this story. But I'm choosing to use this story to introduce a post about infertility. Are you confused? Keep reading...

I believe we climb many mountains in our lives and I believe that we are not the first ones to climb each mountain. There are many who have gone before us who have successfully, and not so successfully, put one foot in front of the other as they forged a trail up to each mountain peak.

Suffering through infertility can feel like climbing a mountain, a big mountain. Sometimes the mountain is so steep and the foliage so dense that you find yourself needing to hike some switchbacks. The temptation to cut through the foliage and just go straight up is strong. That is okay sometimes, but sometimes you can end up like my friends - lost, afraid and almost seriously injured. (spiritual and emotional injuries are sometimes the most painful)

I've hiked that mountain before. I made it to one peak. I didn't know there would be more peaks to climb in this struggle, but I'm at a point where I can actually look back on the trail to that first peak and wonder how I made it up that crazy mountain. I think I've rested at the top of this particular mountain long enough. My muscles have regained their strength. I am no longer out of breath. I think I could actually head back down the trail a bit to help others who are struggling up that arduous trail.

As I look back on that trail I can see what helped me and maybe, just maybe, if I stand still, someone who has lost the trail can see where I'm standing and find the trail again. I'm willing to do that - even if it is just for one person. Truly I am.

When I was lost in between those switchbacks there were those who stood still for me. They didn't know they were helping me specifically, they were just doing what I'm trying to do now, shining their faith and courage and trust in the Lord on the path they had just climbed, so that I could find my way.

Ardeth G. Kapp was the General Young Women's President during most of my teenage years. She was amazing to me. When she spoke, I could feel her words fill my heart with light. Her words made me want to be the best I could be. I had no idea at the time that she struggled with infertility and that for reasons that are her own private reasons, she has never given birth to a child or adopted.  After I was married, I came across a talk she gave once entitled "Just the Two of Us - for Now" Wow did that talk lift my spirits!! The courage it must have taken her to give that talk amazes me.

Some of you might remember her, she wrote a book entitled "I Walk By Faith" Do you remember that era in the Young Women's program? She seems even more inspiring now doesn't she. She knew of what she preached! She walked that trail! The woman who helped me through some very difficult experiences as a teenage girl, helped me again and continues to help me. I can see her standing still on that trail above me, helping me find my way. Thank you Sister Kapp! I will give you a hug someday. :)

I've already written about my love for the women of the bible - Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, Elisabeth. How I love these women. Did I get to sit at their feet in the life before this one and receive valuable training on how to endure this trial with courage and faith? My spirit seems to remember that I did and my connection to them feels that close. I can also see each of them standing on that trail above me, helping me find my way. In fact, I named my daughter after one of these women - her name means "Oath of God" or in other words, "God keeps His promises" (go research that!) Wow they are amazing women!! Read their stories in the bible. Read them over and over and remember they were real women with real feelings and real faith. Thank you dear sisters! I will give each of you a hug someday. :)
(Orson Scott Card's "Sarah" is fictional but wonderful - I cried almost the whole way through it.)

Sheri Dew and Mary Ellen Edmunds are two of my favorite people. Neither of them have married or had children in this life.

Read anything you can get your hands on from Mary Ellen Edmunds - she will teach you how to find sunshine in the midst of a hurricane. She will teach you how to reach out in your sorrow and help those along the way. She will teach you that love is a verb and that our Father knows exactly what He is doing and that He is incredibly loving and has a great sense of humor. That's important! 

Sheri Dew's views on Motherhood changed my life! Her talk "Are We Not All Mothers?" had a deeply profound impact on my perspective. She taught me, so many years ago, that even if I never give birth to or raise a child in this life, I am still a mother for the simple fact that I am a daughter of God and that is what God's daughters do - we mother people. Even my 6-year-old daughter is a "Mother". She has a tremendous capacity to nurture and care for those around her and she is a powerful girl who will someday be a powerful woman. I could put quote after quote in this post from Sheri Dew about the doctrine of motherhood but then this post would be super duper long instead of just super long. :) READ HER TALKS!!! 

 I can see both of them standing there on the trail helping me find my way. Thanks you two! I will give each of you a hug someday! (Mary Ellen Edmunds was one of my MTC instructors - I have been able to have a few squeezes from her already)

In my mind's eye I can see these eight righteous, faithful women standing still on the trail ahead of me. Can you see them too? They had faith in God, but they didn't get exactly what they desired in this life. They have what was desired for them by our all knowing Father, and now look at what amazingly powerful examples they are to so many of our Father's children! They mothered me. Isn't it ironic? These women who either have not raised a child in this life - or just raised one or two -these women MOTHERED me.  Their mothering will go on into the eternities. Maybe in their mortal lives they did not fit the definition of a "mother" but I've learned that our mortal definition of "mother" is not the eternal definition. Worlds without number will be their eternal mothering destiny.

I have written a lot, maybe more than anyone wanted to read, so maybe this is enough. I may or may not visit this topic again in the near future. Who knows? But there is no way I can end without telling about the person who helped me the most along that trail. You know who I'm going to say, because He is the One helping you too. He is the one who knows how lost and forgotten you can feel. He is the One who lets you get mad at Him sometimes because you feel like the solution to your problem is completely in His hands! Why does He let this happen? Right? Even the strongest of us feel that way sometimes. It's okay. He can take it and He does because He loves you.

What I have learned is this, in the Garden of Gethsemane, He hiked your mountains before you ever did. That's what happened in that Garden. He knows that trail. He knows where you could trip and fall. He knows where the gravel is loose and dangerous. He knows that sometimes you can't see the peak at all and so you wonder what you are even trying for. He knows! He knows!......He knows. He knows that every month you are reminded that you are not pregnant. He knows how difficult it can be to answer everyone's questions. He knows that you have spent a small fortune on pregnancy tests and have actually banned them from your house by now. He knows how hard it is to go to baby showers and He is proud of you when you go and you are sincerely happy for your friend. He is also okay when you just can't make it to the shower because it has been a bad week and you are not feeling strong enough. He knows.

He knows how hard it can be to sit in church or listen to talks and lessons about motherhood and parenting and eternal families. He knows you understand the Plan and that you have faith in Him and He also knows that it stings a bit and sometimes you have to fight back the tears so that no one will know how you hurt. He knows. He knows you have a small collection of adorable baby clothes that you keep hidden away, but you know right where they are. He knows.

There is so much He knows, I can't convey it all here. But you understand. He doesn't just stand still on that trail waiting for you to make it to Him. He will go to where you are, if you'll let Him. He'll take your hand and lead you back to the trail and then He'll walk with you - the whole way!! Somewhere along the path you will remember that he walked His own path once - alone. Then you'll know why He is walking next to you - He understands "alone". 

 While you are walking with Him, up that mountain, you will come to know the greatest man who has ever lived on this earth and you will actually get to a point where you look back at your experience and feel intense gratitude for having been given the opportunity to hike that mountain with Him by your side.

 You will come to know that our Father really did know what He was doing when He set you on that path!

 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

The Savior knows how spectacular the view is once you finally reach the peak. He knows what it will feel like to look and see what you have done.

I promise, you will reach that peak and you will be amazed!!

Me Being Honest

So, everyone knows that we waited a long time for our two babies to come - 9 years for Lizzy after we finally ended up doing In Vitro to get her here. Ben came soon afterward but he is now 4-years-old and it seems no more are coming.

Being part of a culture of people (LDS culture) who place a high value on having lots of children, can make it very hard on those of us who cannot. I feel sincere joy when other women tell me they are expecting and I love to be around new babies and wrap myself in their straight-from-heaven-ness. Yes, it tugs at my wanting-a-baby heart strings but most days I'm okay with my situation. What I mean is that I prayed and prayed so long for just one child and then to be given two children, wowsers, I feel so blessed. I have several friends who would give anything to be able to have at least one baby. So I am very grateful and the Lord fills me with enough gratitude that I feel very content with what has been given me.

...On most days...

But then there are Lizzy's desires. She wants a baby sister, several baby sisters in fact, with all of her little heart. She prays for more siblings. She makes plans for more siblings. She oogles and drools over any baby she sees. She just loves babies and tells me often how many siblings her friends have and she asks me why we don't have that many too. She would love a big family with lots of kids and lots of people around at all times.

The other day, after picking her up from school, she handed this bunny to me and said, "This is Peach, she is now part of our family." She told me that she had decided that since she didn't have a little sister of her own that she would make this bunny be like a little sister. She asked that I let her sit with us at dinner so that this bunny could be part of our family. Luckily, she didn't see the tears well up in my eyes as I said, "Of course Peach can eat dinner with us."

Satan works hard on me in this area. He whispers stupid lies in my ears like, "No more children want to come to your home." "Heavenly Father doesn't trust you enough to send more children to you." "You are such an emotional wreck from all of the pain you suffered as a child that two children is all you can handle." among other things. Like I said, STUPID LIES and I know they are stupid but he is so danged persistent.  It is one of the areas he thinks he can get to me in the battle for my soul. These lies of his wound me as if they were arrows aimed at my heart. But he's not going to win because I have learned how to do a few things...

It is times like this when I dig deep within myself to find the super duper thick trust in God that tends to settle at the bottom of my heart.
It is times like this that I close my eyes and recall the images of Sara and Hannah and Elisabeth from the bible - only having one child, yet being powerful women in God's kingdom.
It is times like this that I imagine myself into the eternities and know that this life is not all there is and that someday, if I am faithful, I will be able to populate worlds without number.
It is times like this that I recite Isaiah 55:8 over and over again, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."
It is times like this that I squeeze the Savior's hand a little tighter as He pulls me out of this dark and scary place that could lead to depression, bitterness, sorrow and ingratitude. He squeezes back and turns to acknowledge that He knows it is hard and He knows I am wounded but that He is doing all He can to help me make it out of the faith smothering jungle wherein so many women in this situation find themselves. And as I look into His loving, powerful eyes, I know He can do it. So even though I can't see the path clearly in front of me, I trust that He can and I hang on even tighter.


God is in control and if I have learned anything in this life, it is to TRUST HIS JUDGMENT. Adoption doesn't work for us for several reasons and the Lord knows this and He has brought peace to my heart concerning those reasons. So, the rest is in His Hands. He is in charge and yes, I WILL TRUST HIM! He knows what I do not know and sees what I do not see. If no more babies are coming for me, I am totally okay with that (on most days) because I have put that part of my life into His hands and I TRUST HIM.

But I didn't anticipate this being part of Lizzy's trials here on earth. She will have to learn to trust in our Father's judgment in this area as well. But you can bet that I'm already praying that Lizzy will be able to have a dozen children if she so desires. :)

Sarah On My Mind

Dear Sarah,
I've been thinking a lot about you lately. I really couldn't tell you why, except that maybe turning 38 was hard for me for some reason. I felt so old. I know I'm not but that is how I felt. I think most people think I'm so much younger than I really am because I have young children and probably because I'm so immature! (That was a joke - I hope.)

I have no idea how old you were when Isaac was born - I'm guessing somewhere in your 80's or 90's. Did you all of a sudden find yourself sitting with all of the first time mothers who were much, much younger than you - watching your children play together and feeling like you had magically been inducted into a club that you just could never have belonged to before - no matter how hard you tried to understand? Was seeing life through their eyes amazing and interesting and refreshing, but you knew you didn't want to forget what it felt like to be in that other group - The Waiting Club? It's nice to see things from many perspectives, I've discovered. There are several other clubs life has signed me up for which have taught me new perspectives, deep, soul-searching, grateful heart making perspectives. But that is a letter for another day.

Anyway, I honestly don't know why you have been on my mind so much lately but maybe I could leave you with this...Happy Mother's Day. Sheri Dew (I know you know who she is) she, who has never been married and will never bear a child in this life, says we are all mothers and it wasn't until year 7 or 8 of my waiting time that I comprehended what she really meant. We are all mothers. What an honor to be on our Father's errand of mothering His children during these last days before the Savior comes again. So many of us need a mother - even the big, bad, dudes (or should we call them The Lost Boys) who seem to be controlling everything right now - they need a mommy more than ever. A mother to discipline them and a mommy to love them, because, love, oodles and oodles of it, would make a whole lot of difference in this crazy world of ours.

So, my great, great, great to infinity and beyond great (that was from my Ben) grandmother Sarah, Happy Mother's Day. I will be eternally grateful for your mothering influence on me. Someday, I'll thank you face to face.
Love,
Lisa

Dear Sarah

It has been a long time since I posted a letter so I thought I would write one tonight...

Dear Sarah,

I want you to know how much peace I feel in my heart compared to this time last year. You might remember, we used our last 4 embryos through in vitro fertilization, but none of them resulted in a pregnancy. It hurt. It hurt more than I had been prepared to feel. I thought I was stronger than that and besides I already had 2 children. How dare I feel sad when there are so many out there who don't have any children? I struggled with that. The Spirit helped me understand that it was okay for me to be sad and feel the intense pain I was feeling. My pain was real and deep and by telling myself that I didn't have the right to feel it, I would have been denying myself a tremendous growth opportunity. I grieved for longer than I thought I would. I gained weight, I cried, I was kind of a mess there for a while.

As I sit here tonight I realize what a different person I am now. The calm I feel inside myself is comforting and warms me. The Savior has been by my side, teaching me and helping me learn and see that He knows what is best. Someday I will know the answers to my questions. Until then, I will trust Him. He has taught me throughout my life that He knows what He is doing - who am I to question His plan? (That is how I feel at this moment - who knows how I'll feel a littlelater. :) )

So, I am okay. But Sarah, I have several friends who are experiencing so much heartache because of their inability to have children. Their situations are all so different. Some already have children but cannot have any more. Some have husbands who are not supporting them in their desire to pursue medical procedures. Some have been experiencing miscarriage after miscarriage. Some are trying to adopt but are seemingly blocked at every turn. Some simply don't know why babies aren't coming. They feel forgotten, lonely, angry, sad, unworthy, unfulfilled and confused. They don't share their feelings very freely and hope no one feels sorry for them but a part of them wants someone to feel concerned enough to talk to them but then they don't want to talk because then they will start crying and they're afraid they won't be able to stop crying. They feel as if they are the only person they know who is enduring this problem at this time. They want to trust and they do trust the Lord - it can just be very hard sometimes when you have to wait for something that you never thought you would have to wait for and some people don't have to wait - even ones who don't want to have children seem to get them easier than others.

I know you understand these feelings too Sarah. I know you went through years and years of waiting during a time when a woman's worth was measured by her ability to have children - lots of children. I can't imagine how you must have felt when you knew it was too late for you to be able to bear a child. Sarah, because you continued to trust the Lord, I will also continue to trust Him. He showed forth His miracle through you and we can all call you "grandmother" because of the one child He gave to you. Thank you, thank you Sarah. You give us hope and a perspective that eternity is not this earth-life... it is so much, much more. What I want these women to know and feel is that they are not alone - they are never alone.
Love,
Lisa

In The Wink of a Heavenly Eye

This post has been on my mind for quite a while now. It is time to share this experience...
I've shared how we waited longer than we had originally expected for our sweet children to come to earth. About 2 months after Lizzy was born I was walking past the children department in Wal-mart. I had no intention of buying anything there that day as I hurried off toward the grocery section. But something caught my eye and I quickly glanced toward a clothing rack beside me. What I saw was a onesie with the simple phrase, "Worth The Wait" printed on the front. I reached out to touch it and the strongest feeling came to my heart that it was for me. I looked for different sizes or styles but it was the only one of its kind and it had no price tag. It was too big for Lizzy at the time and it wasn't pink and frilly like the clothes I had been buying for her. I saw the significance of the message, however, and bought it without hesitation. (I can't even remember how much they decided to charge me.)
When Lizzy was finally able to fit into the onesie I had her picture taken. Two years later, Ben's picture was taken wearing the onesie and I was glad it hadn't been pink like I had originally wanted.
There is a lesson here, a lesson of our Father's adoring love for each of us.
When I was little, there was always a grandfather figure at church who would secretly slip a piece of candy to me and then wink as if to say, "That's just for you - our secret." I have come to learn, over the years, that our Father in Heaven does the same thing but with much neater blessings than a piece of candy - like a onesie with the perfect message printed on the front hanging all by itself in wal-mart. We must learn to recognize these blessings when they happen because they are usually very subtle and can often be mistaken as just mere coincidence or even luck. I think that when we have the opportunity to look back on our lives here on earth, we will be amazed at how often our Father slipped us a piece of candy and winked in our direction. I'm trying harder to recognize these sweet blessings in my life.
For example, I love autumn. I love all seasons, actually, but autumn is extra special to me and I miss the autumn leaves down here. When we bought out new home it was July - very hot. Our home has a big tree in front which I was very happy about. The following December, however, the tree became even more special to me. It's leaves turned golden one day - some of the only autumn leaves to be found here in Yuma. I thanked Heavenly Father and thought I detected a wink from Him. His way of telling me that even though He wants us in Yuma, where autumn is not one of the seasons, He still knows me and the desires of my heart are important to Him.

The Story of Benjamin Thomas Love

This is really long. I have never recorded this story so I'm taking the opportunity to do so now.

Two years ago, this week, I was very, very pregnant and wondering when my little Ben would decide to make his entrance into this world. My pregnancy had been smooth and uneventful, but the actual pregnancy itself, had been quite an unexpected event in my life. After 8 years, lots of doctors, hormone pills and injections, money and lots and lots of faith, Lizzy was born. According to our infertility docs, my chance of getting pregnant without their assistance, a petri dish, microscope and an Embryologist, were pretty much non-existent. In fact, when getting ready to do in vitro for Lizzy, the doctors tried to talk us out of it because our chances were so low that it would work.
For this reason, I did not let my hopes get high that we would have another child. I didn't want Lizzy to be an only child but by the time she was about 17-months-old, I had resigned myself to the notion that we would need to adopt if we wanted to have more children.
Then, late one night, July 1st, 2006, to be exact, I was walking in Wal-mart doing some quick grocery shopping when I started to feel very queasy. Nothing on my shopping list sounded appetizing, in fact everything made me want to puke everywhere.
I hadn't been feeling very well for about a week, but I never throw up, so I knew something was wrong. The thought occurred to me that the last time I had felt that kind of queasy was when I was pregnant with Lizzy.
Eventually, I found myself standing in front of the pregnancy tests. I literally stood there for at least 10-15 minutes debating about buying one. Some of you will understand...after years and years of negative pregnancy tests I banned them from my household. Why waste the money? Why pay money for another heartache? But there I stood, that fateful night, wondering if I should buy one and take it home. Against my better judgment I bought one. My rationalization was that I wanted to rule out a pregnancy so that I would quit wondering.
I went home and with great trepidation, took the test. It was positive. It was positive. It was positive. I am being completely honest when I say that my only thought was, "I would get the one defective test!"
I almost threw it away but then I slowly walked into Troy and showed him the test (he hadn't known about the test in the first place.)
He said, "What's that?"
"It's a pregnancy test. Look at it."
"Oh, it's positive? Does it work right?"
"I think so."
We sat on the edge of the bed in silence for about 2 minutes. Finally Troy said, "Are you sure?"
"Well, I have another one, I'll take it in the morning." That was the conversation - we went to bed.
The next morning...it was still positive. I felt numb. Not the feeling I thought I should have been feeling. It was Sunday. I went to church and looked around at all of the other women who were pregnant or had new babies. I felt incredibly...normal. I was just like all those other women. I didn't have a $25,000 baby growing inside of me that had been cultivated in a petri dish for three days. I knew what it felt like to be surprised by a pregnancy and wonder how far along I was. I knew what if felt like to know something that not a single other person on the planet knew (besides Troy). But I was still not jumping up and down for joy yet.
I called my doctor the first thing Monday morning. After Lizzy had been born the infertility docs noticed something they thought would be a problem if I were to ever get pregnant again. My local doc wanted me to see him asap to check it out. I tried to be patient as I lay on his examining chair, waiting for the sonogram to begin. Finally he began and immediately we saw on the screen what he called, "the pregnancy". I thought, "Yeah, we shouldn't get too excited yet." I was only 5 weeks along, he said, so "the pregnancy" was really just a blob. He wanted me to go back in a week to check it out again.
I don't think we told anyone that week - the longest week of my life. Some days I was sick and some not. On the days I wasn't sick I would think, "See, you're not really pregnant. It is just some weird growth" The week passed and I found myself, once again on that same wonderful examining chair, waiting to see "the pregnancy". We saw it. It was a little bigger but no heartbeat yet. He wanted me to go back in two weeks to find the heartbeat.
Two weeks later, we found the heartbeat. I was still so numb. I just couldn't believe it was happening. For the next few appointments, until I knew for sure there was a baby inside of me, I fully expected the doctor to say, "Why are you here? You're not pregnant." But there was a baby inside of me and on February 22nd, at 11:45am, Benjamin Thomas Love entered this world.
During the first couple weeks of his earth life I had the strongest sensation that I had been missing him my whole life but hadn't known it. Not that I hadn't felt similar feelings with Lizzy, but these feelings were very strong with Ben. Even at that young age, he filled some part of me that must have been sealed shut so I wouldn't notice it was empty. A place in my heart came alive. I needed this little boy in my life. Maybe I felt this way because I hadn't pleaded with the Lord for him to come. I just assumed no one else was coming and so to have him there the "normal" way, when the "normal" way wasn't "normal" for me, was a testimony that the Lord knows what - or who- we need more than we do.
My little Ben is such a blessing and I will be eternally grateful and honored to have the opportunity to be his mother.

Dear Sarah,

A few posts ago I mentioned that I have felt impressed to address some of the posts to specific people. Today's post is to a real person, albeit someone who is now living in the spirit world - she is still very real to me. As most of you know, Troy and I waited a long time before children came to our family. We had originally wanted to have 8 children, but that was not in the plans. Lizzy was born just before our 9th anniversary. We had to do in vitro fertilization to get her here and then Ben came all on his own out of nowhere (he is still coming out of nowhere on a daily basis! Love that boy!)

This last August, we tried in vitro again. We had four remaining embryos to use after trying for Lizzy. These embryos were our responsibility and we didn't feel right about turning them over to science or donating them to someone else. After all of the hormones, appointments and money, we finally went through with the procedure. Three embryos were implanted (one did not survive the thawing process) but I did not become pregnant. My body thought it was pregnant because of the drugs and so I had to go through a natural process of balancing my hormones out again and getting back to normal. For those who have never tried this, it just sounds like we didn't get pregnant, oh well, just keep trying right? Wrong. It's not that way with in vitro - I felt as if I had miscarried 3 babies. I have no idea when the spirit enters the body, but I am still grieving the loss of those little lives. I am not sad as much about not getting pregnant, I'm more sad at the loss of those three little ones - they were very much alive to us and already felt like a part of our family. We had prayed about them, fasted for them and spent so much time and energy in their behalf - of course we would feel great sorrow at their loss. We will not be trying in vitro again as it is very expensive and I'm getting "old" according to fertility docs. Ben did come naturally but it took 11 years of trying the "normal" way for that to happen and so I cannot let my hopes get too high that it will happen again.

(By the way...this is why I have started selling Mary Kay - to pay the astronomical doctor's bills for the procedure. It has been extra tough emotionally to pay for this because it didn't work. However, I never thought I would say this about selling anything...what a blessing. Those of you who have supported me in this endeavor have no idea how you have been an answer to many, many prayers. I don't necessarily like selling things - trust me! The Lord provided the money for our last in vitro bill but this time He has wanted me to work for it, which has actually ended up being a blessing as I have had to step outside of my comfort zone, develop new talents and concentrate on helping other women feel good about themselves. I almost have the bill paid off - anyone want to buy a lipstick?!)

I have not wanted to share this info with many people because it is a very private matter and it hurts, to be completely honest. When someone doesn't understand how badly it hurts they tend to make comments that just make it worse (I know the comments are made innocently and so I am never angry at the person but my heart aches just a little more than it did.) I also don't know how to verbaly relay that I have complete faith in the Lord's plan, but I still feel pain. I usually come off sounding like I don't feel sadness at all and then people think I don't care and then they don't care - at least that is how I feel. So, I just keep my mouth shut and don't say a word.

But here I am making a public announcement on our blog for the whole world to read. I have not been able to stop thinking about the need to let this be known. Since August, the Lord has put in my path so many women who are dealing with infertility, whether it be initial infertility or secondary infertility - it still hurts and it is still a very lonely problem. I wish I could get each of these women together in a room and we could all sit there and realize that we are not alone. I think each of these women would be amazed at how many women around them are struggling with the same issue. Since that probably isn't the best idea for many reasons, I am hoping each of those ladies will read this and know they are not alone. I know many couples have tried in vitro several times and have not even had the success we have had. I know some women only have to wait for 6 months and others their whole lives. I know some women have miscarriage after miscarriage and some find themselves needing to adopt in order to have children. The Lord has taught me over the years to never discount the pain of others just because you think it is not as hard as it could have been. Everyone's pain is painful because we do not know all of the dynamics involved and so we can never compare one person's pain to another.

This is long - my letter will need to be short but I will write more later. This letter is for any woman out there who feels alone and forgotten because of her inability to have children.



Dear Sarah,
Several years ago I got to know you as I was waiting for children to come to my home. I read about you in the bible. I read about the others who waited too - Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah and Elisabeth. You seemed like a group of sisters to me. Sisters in suffering. Sisters in faith and righteousness. The Lord pointed each of you out to me and told me to learn from you. He pointed out how valuable you were to Him in the building up of His kingdom and that the amount of children a woman has doesn't make her of any more worth than another. In fact, He taught me that if I never had a child in this life, I would still be able to perform an amazing work on this earth. I just want you to know how grateful I am for your willingness to trust the Lord, especially when you thought your chance was long gone. Because of your example, I have also tried to place my trust in Him and let Him be in control. He sees what I do not see. He knows what I do not know. He has a plan for my little family and I know it will be greater than any plan I could devise on my own.
Love,
Lisa