To set this up I have to be honest about my feelings when I saw the link to my blog...I was... scared. Not in the way you might think. Most of you would be scared that some weirdo out there is going to misuse the pictures of your children or steal your identity or just misuse what you say. Nope. Not me. I was scared that someone would read my deep spiritual feelings and...laugh or think I'm stupid or think I'm some spiritual weirdo. I know that has always been a possibility but it has seemed safer up till now because I'm pretty confident that most people who read the blog already believe the same as I do or are at least nice people who won't laugh at me to my face.
So...that's where I was emotionally when the conversation with God started...(He is in yellow. I am in pink)
"What's up? You seem very distressed."
"Well, who knows who has been reading my blog."
"I do."
"Oh yeah, I guess You do. Well, then you know there are those out there who won't appreciate what I've written and will rip it to shreds. Didn't you say not to cast our pearls before swine? You know I've always had super strong feelings about the gospel and about Jesus Christ but I've always been so afraid people will think I'm a spiritual oddball."
"Yeah, I know. Let's talk about that because it is about time that stops."
"Well, sometimes the feelings inside of me are so strong I feel that I'll burst if I don't share them. I wonder if those feelings and thoughts come from You or just some mental illness in my brain."
"You're not serious right? You know exactly where those feelings come from and, yes, I've had to push you to share them. You hold yourself back so much. Why do you do that?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do."
"Yes, I do....I'm afraid."
"Good old fear. One of Satan's most powerful tools toward those who believe. Who are you afraid of? Honestly, Lisa, who are you afraid of? Is there anyone who has more power than I do? Is there anyone who can truly hurt you when you are on my errand? I've heard you say it yourself...you already know which team is going to win in the end. Are you really afraid of the losing team?"
"No."
"I watch you every morning, walking with your ipod, listening to music. I know which two songs you listen to over and over again. I hear you mentally singing them at the top of your lungs. (He winks and smiles) How do the words go?...'to run where the brave dare not go'...'to fight for the right without question or pause. To be willing to march against Hell for a Heavenly cause'...'the world will be better for this'...do you believe that Lisa? Is that truly your quest?"
"Yes."
"What does that other song say?...'More fierce desire to stand against the wind. More blazing fire when dark is closing in'...'more strengthened shoulders to face the war with sin. More wise and bolder to save the souls of men'...'You call, I hear'... Do you really feel that way Lisa? Do you really want me to use you that way?"
"Yes."
"The second song also says, 'I climb this far, Your raise the bar. You want my heart.' You posted about that remember? I felt the sincerity in your heart when you emphasized those words. You also emphasized the words, 'Less me, much more You.' That song talks about wanting more and more of yourself to give to others. Did you mean what you wrote? Do you remember?
"Yes, I remember very well and I meant what I wrote."
"I know you did. So, I raised the bar. Are you going to keep reaching?"
"Yes. But...but...but..."
"But what?"
"But...I'm just...nobody. I mean who in the world cares what I feel and say? There are prophets and apostles and general authorities and people with amazing singing talents and other desirable talents that proclaim the name of Jesus Christ in much better ways and in grander forums than a stupid little blog that maybe 20 people read. It seems so presumptuous of me to think I have anything to say."
"Number 1 - you are not a 'nobody'. We've been over that at least a million times and I am willing to go over it another million if need be but let's move on for now. Number 2 - I care what you feel and say, that should be enough. Number 3 - Yes, there are those with more 'authority' as you put it but it doesn't take 'authority' or specific talents to share your testimony. I think I have covered that more than a million times throughout history but I am willing to go over it more as well. I do have chosen leaders of my church who receive inspiration on how to run my church. But you have just as much right to inspiration for your personal life as they do. They have paid the price to be able to be as close to me as they are. I want you that close too. I want ALL of my children that close. Number 4 - 20 people reading what you have to say is more than no one and all of those 20 people are my children and are of infinite worth. Besides, it is YOU, Lisa dear, who will grow the most from this so the numbers are insignificant. Number 5 - Everyone has a story to tell. I wish you would all listen to each other more and I wish you would all be willing to share more. It would solve a lot of the problems you are all suffering from."
"You're right, of course."
"Do you remember your Grandma? How she wanted to be asked to teach a lesson or give a talk in church but no one ever asked her? So she determined to write a talk each week and take it with her to church just in case but she was never asked to use those talks?"
"Yes. The thought of that touches my heart and brings tears to my eyes."
"It has the same effect on me. She never stood at a pulpit and said her prepared words, but her heart was prepared from those talks she wrote and she and I grew much closer during the time she studied and wrote her testimony down."
"I guess what you are saying is that it doesn't matter if anyone reads this and it doesn't matter if everyone thinks it is garbage because it is all about You and me and it's all about me growing closer to You. You want my whole heart and here I am hesitating to give it to you. You who creates worlds without end and I'm afraid to trust you with my heart."
"I do want your whole heart because there are miracles inside of you that I can preform if you'll only let me. You will discover that when you give your whole heart to me, there will be even more of you to give to others, especially your family because I'll fill your heart with so much love it will spill over into everything you do. But don't be too hard on yourself. You are on a journey and you are doing just fine."
"Okay, but there's one more thing..."
"Yes?"
"You know how completely imperfect I am. You know the mistakes I've made and the weaknesses I have to deal with every day."
"You are right, I do know about your many imperfections. I see the rough edges in your character that need to be smoothed over. I see the mistakes you make on a daily basis and I also know what mistakes you are going to make in the future. Lisa, I know everything about you."
"I feel like a hypocrite, or at least, others will think I am a hypocrite."
"Once again Lisa, are you more worried about what others will think or are you worried about what I'll think? Because you can't reach this next bar if you are going to continue to worry about the opinions of others. You can give your heart to the world, or you can give it to me. Which is it going to be?"
"You."
"Well, then, here is the thing...before you left my presence I told you that you were going to make mistakes. I told you that some of those mistakes would be serious. You still agreed to go. But now that you are in the middle of making those mistakes, you are so hard on yourself and you are forgetting that I also made a way for you to overcome those mistakes and be washed clean so you can come home. Yes, you are imperfect Lisa. But if I only used perfect people to proclaim the gospel, then only Jesus Christ would be the one who could do it. What a wonderful example of the forgiveness offered by the Atonement of Jesus Christ you can be for others, who also make mistakes and also need a Savior. Every single person you know needs the Savior, you are not the only one. If you are going to serve with all of your heart, you must forget about yourself and concentrate on Someone else."
"Less me, much more Him?"
"Yes. Are you willing to do what you already know you should do?"
"Yes. It is all about Him"
You can do this Lisa my dear. I push you because I know you can handle it. I'll be with you every step of the way. You are never alone. I love you. I am your Father and speaking of giving your whole heart to me...my whole heart belongs to you."
"I love you too. Thank you for everything. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have always been there for me and have blessed me tremendously. This has been such a piddly little problem but as always you have helped me work through it. Thank you."
"You're welcome sweetheart. If it is important to you, it is important to me."
"Yes my dear?"
"I'm going to need to be reminded of all of this again and maybe again and again."
"Yes, you will and there is so much that you still must learn. That just gives me more opportunities to talk with you doesn't it? Remember you are my work and my glory. (He smiles) So, let's go to work."
"Aye, aye capn' "
(a wink and a smile)
The Decision: My family blog will become private. Once again, if you would like an invite send your email to me. lisalove1996@hotmail.com. I will also be starting another blog in which I write down the thoughts and feelings and experiences I feel prompted to share. This blog will not be private. I will not try to protect it from anything. It is in the Lord's hands and He can do with it as He sees fit. I want to tell the world all about Him - or at least the 20 people who will read what I write. :) (wink,wink)
You can find the new blog at www.muchmoreofhim.blogspot.com. I haven't done anything with it yet and probably won't get to it for a while. I do have two kids to take care of, institute to teach, a house to clean a talk to give next Sunday, scriptures to read, meetings to attend, dinners to prepare, laundry to fold (yuck!), violin and homework to supervise, ice cream to eat and life to live.
We shall see where this new path takes me. Hopefully it will lead me down the road to "Less me and much more Him."
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