Me Being Honest

So, everyone knows that we waited a long time for our two babies to come - 9 years for Lizzy after we finally ended up doing In Vitro to get her here. Ben came soon afterward but he is now 4-years-old and it seems no more are coming.

Being part of a culture of people (LDS culture) who place a high value on having lots of children, can make it very hard on those of us who cannot. I feel sincere joy when other women tell me they are expecting and I love to be around new babies and wrap myself in their straight-from-heaven-ness. Yes, it tugs at my wanting-a-baby heart strings but most days I'm okay with my situation. What I mean is that I prayed and prayed so long for just one child and then to be given two children, wowsers, I feel so blessed. I have several friends who would give anything to be able to have at least one baby. So I am very grateful and the Lord fills me with enough gratitude that I feel very content with what has been given me.

...On most days...

But then there are Lizzy's desires. She wants a baby sister, several baby sisters in fact, with all of her little heart. She prays for more siblings. She makes plans for more siblings. She oogles and drools over any baby she sees. She just loves babies and tells me often how many siblings her friends have and she asks me why we don't have that many too. She would love a big family with lots of kids and lots of people around at all times.

The other day, after picking her up from school, she handed this bunny to me and said, "This is Peach, she is now part of our family." She told me that she had decided that since she didn't have a little sister of her own that she would make this bunny be like a little sister. She asked that I let her sit with us at dinner so that this bunny could be part of our family. Luckily, she didn't see the tears well up in my eyes as I said, "Of course Peach can eat dinner with us."

Satan works hard on me in this area. He whispers stupid lies in my ears like, "No more children want to come to your home." "Heavenly Father doesn't trust you enough to send more children to you." "You are such an emotional wreck from all of the pain you suffered as a child that two children is all you can handle." among other things. Like I said, STUPID LIES and I know they are stupid but he is so danged persistent.  It is one of the areas he thinks he can get to me in the battle for my soul. These lies of his wound me as if they were arrows aimed at my heart. But he's not going to win because I have learned how to do a few things...

It is times like this when I dig deep within myself to find the super duper thick trust in God that tends to settle at the bottom of my heart.
It is times like this that I close my eyes and recall the images of Sara and Hannah and Elisabeth from the bible - only having one child, yet being powerful women in God's kingdom.
It is times like this that I imagine myself into the eternities and know that this life is not all there is and that someday, if I am faithful, I will be able to populate worlds without number.
It is times like this that I recite Isaiah 55:8 over and over again, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."
It is times like this that I squeeze the Savior's hand a little tighter as He pulls me out of this dark and scary place that could lead to depression, bitterness, sorrow and ingratitude. He squeezes back and turns to acknowledge that He knows it is hard and He knows I am wounded but that He is doing all He can to help me make it out of the faith smothering jungle wherein so many women in this situation find themselves. And as I look into His loving, powerful eyes, I know He can do it. So even though I can't see the path clearly in front of me, I trust that He can and I hang on even tighter.


God is in control and if I have learned anything in this life, it is to TRUST HIS JUDGMENT. Adoption doesn't work for us for several reasons and the Lord knows this and He has brought peace to my heart concerning those reasons. So, the rest is in His Hands. He is in charge and yes, I WILL TRUST HIM! He knows what I do not know and sees what I do not see. If no more babies are coming for me, I am totally okay with that (on most days) because I have put that part of my life into His hands and I TRUST HIM.

But I didn't anticipate this being part of Lizzy's trials here on earth. She will have to learn to trust in our Father's judgment in this area as well. But you can bet that I'm already praying that Lizzy will be able to have a dozen children if she so desires. :)