Dear Sarah

It has been a long time since I posted a letter so I thought I would write one tonight...

Dear Sarah,

I want you to know how much peace I feel in my heart compared to this time last year. You might remember, we used our last 4 embryos through in vitro fertilization, but none of them resulted in a pregnancy. It hurt. It hurt more than I had been prepared to feel. I thought I was stronger than that and besides I already had 2 children. How dare I feel sad when there are so many out there who don't have any children? I struggled with that. The Spirit helped me understand that it was okay for me to be sad and feel the intense pain I was feeling. My pain was real and deep and by telling myself that I didn't have the right to feel it, I would have been denying myself a tremendous growth opportunity. I grieved for longer than I thought I would. I gained weight, I cried, I was kind of a mess there for a while.

As I sit here tonight I realize what a different person I am now. The calm I feel inside myself is comforting and warms me. The Savior has been by my side, teaching me and helping me learn and see that He knows what is best. Someday I will know the answers to my questions. Until then, I will trust Him. He has taught me throughout my life that He knows what He is doing - who am I to question His plan? (That is how I feel at this moment - who knows how I'll feel a littlelater. :) )

So, I am okay. But Sarah, I have several friends who are experiencing so much heartache because of their inability to have children. Their situations are all so different. Some already have children but cannot have any more. Some have husbands who are not supporting them in their desire to pursue medical procedures. Some have been experiencing miscarriage after miscarriage. Some are trying to adopt but are seemingly blocked at every turn. Some simply don't know why babies aren't coming. They feel forgotten, lonely, angry, sad, unworthy, unfulfilled and confused. They don't share their feelings very freely and hope no one feels sorry for them but a part of them wants someone to feel concerned enough to talk to them but then they don't want to talk because then they will start crying and they're afraid they won't be able to stop crying. They feel as if they are the only person they know who is enduring this problem at this time. They want to trust and they do trust the Lord - it can just be very hard sometimes when you have to wait for something that you never thought you would have to wait for and some people don't have to wait - even ones who don't want to have children seem to get them easier than others.

I know you understand these feelings too Sarah. I know you went through years and years of waiting during a time when a woman's worth was measured by her ability to have children - lots of children. I can't imagine how you must have felt when you knew it was too late for you to be able to bear a child. Sarah, because you continued to trust the Lord, I will also continue to trust Him. He showed forth His miracle through you and we can all call you "grandmother" because of the one child He gave to you. Thank you, thank you Sarah. You give us hope and a perspective that eternity is not this earth-life... it is so much, much more. What I want these women to know and feel is that they are not alone - they are never alone.
Love,
Lisa